From the Peanut Gallery
by Boogum
Summary: Collection of cracky one-shots. Chapter 5: It was a song to remember.
1. The Only Way

My good friend advocaat requested I write a FFXIII story for her. I've never played any of the games myself and have only seen bits here and there. This is the result.

* * *

 **The Only Way**

Hope's cheeks dusted with pink. "Um, why am I naked?"

Lightning stared at him with a flat, business-like expression. "This was the only way, Hope."

"The only way?"

She placed her hand on his shoulder. "To fix your fashion sense."


	2. Lightning's Advice

Watching my friend play these games is apparently great for getting "inaccurate quotes" one-shot inspiration. This one is based on a Final Fantasy XIII-2 scene.

* * *

 **Lightning's Advice**

Serah looked at Hope with anticipation. "Have you heard anything from Lightning?"

He nodded. "I had this dream. She spoke to me."

"What did she say?"

Hope's voice took on Lightning's dry tone. "Ditch the bitch."

Serah blinked, then glanced over to where Alyssa stood watching them. Ah.

.

.

.

.

* * *

 **OMAKE**

* * *

Finally, Lightning had got a break from fighting that glam rocker—er, Caius. She decided to check on Hope. "Wonder how he's—"

A groan escaped her. That bitch was still there. Time to amp up the dream warnings.


	3. Monster Ketchup

**Monster Ketchup**

Most people did not know that Snow was a culinary genius. He was a great catch in that sense: tall, handsome, a bona fide—ahem, self-proclaimed—hero. And he could cook like no one's business. What a guy. In another universe, a sidekick with homoerotic tendencies might have even sung a song about him, or at least all the amazing things only Snow could do. Except, you know, Snow was actually a great guy deserving of having songs made about him … not like that other guy you're thinking of whose name may or may not start with G …

Ahem. We have digressed.

In any case, Snow was a great guy and a great cook. So while he was waiting for Serah and Noel to return from doing their time travelling thing, he chilled out in Sunleth Waterscape just like he had said he would. He also made himself some fries since he had a craving for them. That was when the horror struck.

He had no ketchup.

This was a dilemma. A truly tragic situation. A big pickle. Snow could not possibly eat the delicious fries he had prepared if he did not have the perfect condiment to go with them. But where to get ketchup?

He glanced around the clearing and happened to spot his Royal Ripeness. His Royal Ripeness who was basically one huge, giant arse tomato.

Snow grinned and punched his fists together. "Time to get cooking!"

 **oOo**

"What is wrong with you?"

Noel was mad. There was a lot of shouting. They didn't understand why Snow had taken on the monster tomato again when he had no backup. Noel accused him of trying to be a hero and not thinking about how Serah or others would feel if he'd got himself killed.

Snow rubbed the base of his neck. "Actually, I just wanted ketchup."

Noel and Serah blinked. "You what?"

His teeth flashed in a smile as he explained the situation. Noel was not impressed. Serah was also not impressed.

"You can't turn bits of his Royal Ripeness into sauce!" she yelled.

Snow didn't see what they were getting so worked up about. He had salvaged enough to make his perfect condiment and that was exactly what he would do. Serah argued with him the entire time and even tried to snatch his battle spoils away from him, but Snow was a culinary genius. He had that ketchup whipped up in no time and was then pouring it on his fries.

"NO!" Noel yelled, lunging for him. "Don't eat it!"

Snow took a big chomp of salty fry and his Royal Ripeness-y goodness.

"Spit it out! Spit it out!" Serah urged.

Snow did not. Instead, all Serah and Noel could do was watch with mild horror as he chewed and swallowed. There was a long, long pause.

Then the second horror happened.

* * *

 **OMAKE**

* * *

Serah smiled as she greeted the people of the village. Only a few looked at her. Most were too busy gawking at something over her shoulder. She repressed a sigh. This _always_ happened now.

"Don't mind him," she said, gesturing behind her. "That's just Snow, my fiancé."

"He's—he's a giant tomato."

"He's a monster!"

Snow huffed and folded his drippy arms. It was about all he could do since he didn't have proper hands anymore; he couldn't even punch his fists together in his trademark pose. "I'm not a monster," he informed with all the dignity he could muster. "I'm just your friendly neighbourhood … tomato … man."

Serah sighed and pressed her palm to her forehead. "I told you not to eat the monster ketchup," she muttered under her breath.


	4. This is how the world ends

**This is how the world ends, not with a bang, but a glam rocker**

Lightning got her sword ready. She even had her armour all good to go (it looked like a chocobo had been crossed with bits of metal and Sephiroth in his One-Winged Angel form. All those feathers. Mm, sexy).

She pointed the tip of her blade at Caius's face. "This is the end."

"Indeed it is," he said, stepping off his throne and meeting her gaze with that smug little smirk of his. "Now we duel."

Lightning had been expecting him to whip out the big sword strapped to his back. Instead, a shiny microphone on a stand appeared. He gripped it in his hand and flicked his fabulously purple hair so that it swished in a non-existent wind. Suddenly, the pink bandana just seemed to fit. Even those feather-rimmed boots (though they still had nothing on her chocobo-Sephiroth armour). Then a second microphone appeared in front of her and she realised she was screwed. Like, actually fucking screwed.

"Wait," she said, holding out her hand. "This isn't the—"

"Duel."

"—way I expected our battle to go. We've both got swords, so—"

"DUEL!"

Lightning narrowed her eyes. This glam rocker was beginning to piss her off. Well, more than usual. "I came here to fight."

"And so we shall." He snapped his fingers. "With the weapon of music."

Then guitars started playing from an invisible space, drums drummed, keyboards did their keyboard thing and that feather-booted bastard started singing like he'd just rocked his way from the 80s and was ready to crush her in glam, falsetto and pink bandanas.

Well, fuck.

An instrumental break started and her microphone lit up as if to tell her it was her turn next. Caius looked at her with smugness oozing from his smile. She gritted her teeth and gripped the microphone. Fine. She was the goddess' chosen one and she wasn't going to let the world or time descend into chaos just because this weirdo wanted to glam-rock duel with her. She'd beat him yet!

Lightning fixed him with a glare. Her stance was perfect, her head held high, and then she opened her mouth and began singing.

It was like the world stopped.

To cringe.

Lightning Farron was tone deaf.

* * *

Lucky Caius went the sword route, hey?

Also, Advocaat is awesome and wrote a sequel-ish thing to 'Monster Ketchup' in her review for the previous chapter. Check it out. It's brilliant.


	5. A Song to Remember

Because this needed to be done.

* * *

 **A Song to Remember**

"Seraaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Noel clutched her body to his chest, his own feeling like it was tearing apart. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not when they had finally—

He paused. There was music playing in the background. Really, really loud, obnoxiously romantic music.

"What the—" He glared up at the sky. "What the fuck is this? Does this look like a romantic scene to you? This is fucking tragic! Serah is dead!"

The song kept playing. Noel yelled in frustration and grief. This was the worst ending ever.

* * *

 **OMAKE**

* * *

" _I don't wanna give up our hope."_

Noel turned to the silver-haired man beside him. At least they still had—

Oh, shit. Bhunivelze had come.


End file.
